The Masculine & Feminine in Men

Yes, we're made of both.

Both masculine and feminine energies run through us, whether we are men or women. I would argue that a man who experiences and follows his attraction for another man has already tapped into accepting a degree of vulnerability, therefore the “feminine,” by the simple act of going “against the norm.” The most conflicting aspect of taking this step is to realize that it is okay to take the submissive role without feeling less “manly” for doing so.

On the flip side, it also means that the one who is acting as the dominant recognizes that he is engaging in a sexual encounter with another man, and that if such encounter ends in penetration, he accepts that he is penetrating another man through the anus. Some men seem to believe that because they are performing as “tops” their masculinity is not questioned. The belief continues on to suggest that only the “bottoms” are actually gay, the feminine ones. The end result tends to be that we either act as one or the other, but rarely get to explore both sides.

Regardless of personal taste (for I believe it’s only natural that some men would feel more inclined to act as dominant or submissive with another man) and in relation to energetic connection, personality traits and physical and/or psychological characteristics; it's important to recognize that men can enjoy either role, active or passive, to its fullest dimension by accepting:

1. the body that one has 

2. the fact that our bodies crave physical connection and intimacy 

3. that our sexual desire is a means of expression 

4. that such expression is sexual in nature, and 

5. that it can be transformed into a transcendental or spiritual experience, if one wishes so.

Only when sexual desire has gone through a certain degree of transformation—when our bodies experience a degree of transcendence, a feeling of the beyond— we start becoming comfortable with the idea of surrender. Everyone has issues with control, some more than others and "control of the mind," in particular, is the most difficult to penetrate. Fortunately, we have a practical way to start “beheading” it: through the release of #Amaru combined with focused breath.

Learning from the past

Practitioners of Highest Yoga Tantra, those chosen to be instructed in the teachings of Buddhist Tantra, traditionally engaged in sexual rituals and practices in order to further the veneration of the feminine, the creative force, the Universe, the Mother, the womb, the vagina. This means that the exploration of the within (the soul) is tapped into from our bodies. Walt Whitman knew this well when he described himself as “the poet of the body and the poet of the soul.”

To venerate the feminine in a man is to love him from the base of the spine.

The anus can be the most beautiful gate to the depths of the cosmos. More men need to know how to venerate a man’s ass so that the man submitting will not feel threatened by the idea.

Most of us, naturally, don’t want to be hurt when having sex. There has to be a process of learning how to become more comfortable surrendering to another man. Ideally, the man who is acting as the provider should be an experienced receiver. That way he will know how to “work up” his man, getting him to higher levels of consciousness and pleasure before any attempts of penetration take place. The last thing an average man wants is to create a feeling that his partner felt “raped.”

Just because a man is a man doesn’t mean that the asshole is any less sensitive. There has to be room for warm-up that goes beyond oral sex.

When we engage in a sexual encounter, it is wise to remember that our metaphysical bodies, not just our sexual organs, will come together. The more we learn to appreciate our physical presence, the more we will learn about how sexual energy works. The exploration of our bodies will yield to the realization that our whole body can potentially be experienced as a sexual organ, turning it into a gateway onto the vastness of our consciousness. Suddenly climax and orgasm may seem much less of a goal and the journey in itself can be highly rewarding. The problem with this approach usually is time, or a particular perception of how we spend time with another man. Too long may be too intimate too soon. Too short, chances are you won’t see that guy again. It was meant to be just a source of relief.

However, if two men are open to seeing their sexual interactions in a different way, then patience has to be a component of that dynamic. For patience to arise there has to be a level of awareness that spending time exploring the body of another man is erotic and rewarding for both, the receiver and the giver, even when the giver remains in control. To see and experience your partner surrender and rejoice as you explore his body can be one of the most exciting and sexually rewarding experiences for the dominant. Getting into the habit of expanding how we interact sexually can begin from a simple premise: getting the person surrendering to relax.

The process of surrender begins with focus on the breath, with learning to relax and trust that your partner is not going to hurt you, either physically or by passing onto you a venereal disease. This can be a difficult threshold to pass when we have trained ourselves to distrust and fear from past experiences of getting hurt or being infected with an STD. Learning to surrender and trust that sex can be loving and safe is important for all men, whether HIV positive or negative.

Few people will go right into the water when they first see the vastness of the ocean. Most of us will taste the waters first to make ourselves comfortable. Once we discover that the sand beneath us can support us, we start to enjoy the waves. Only then do we start to become more adventurous and take more risks.

If we are to engage in a sexual relation with another man, let it be also a process of exploration and comfort. By exploring our bodies we will also learn to explore our hearts. By going through patient steps of trial and error we will discover that we are only doing what feels comfortable and natural to each of us, one step a time. Exploration without fear of “where things will go from here”can be playful and fun. It’s not a matter of killing the playfulness of sex, it is about enhancing and expanding joy.

Such an exploration doesn’t have to happen with only one person exclusively. I believe monogamy is real and is great. When it occurs it should be venerated and supported. But I also believe that a lot of men establish monogamous relationships that are emotional or energetic, not sexual. It is for men in this category that my work is mainly geared to.

If we know that our sexual desire can be shared with more than one man, then why not transform that energy into compassion and love? We would only benefit from it as a group.

© Alex Amaru, 2013. (Revised and edited 01/02/19)