Desire, Self Awareness and Creation

A recipe for a balanced, more joyful life.

At the core of all our desires is “the wish to be happy” said the late Tibetan monk Lama Yeshe, in his book Introduction to Tantra: The Transformation of Desire. A fantastic read for any one interested in developing a transcendental life. By transcendental I mean a life of awareness and liberation free from dogmas taught to us from childhood. We can learn and train ourselves to accept desire as a fundamental part of our existence and transform it into energy to create the highest form of ourselves. Aware of our full potential, we can turn our abilities and creativity into action for the benefit of others.

Creation brings transcendence to life. Transcendence used at the service of others brings happiness.

Creation is a simple and complex word at the same time. It goes far beyond the notion of procreation or as simple as the act of writing this blog, for example. You may think raising a child is the answer to making a transcendental life. For many heterosexual couples and to some homosexual couples, it may be so. Giving birth or raising another human being is a beautiful expression of love and creativity. It can unite people, there’s no doubt about that, but also, it can be used as a means to cover up much deeper personal issues.

Looking at the behavior of others. How does it reflect on me?

I still wonder whether my own parents are still together because of love or co-dependency. I don’t think they know the answer themselves but no doubt they are not alone. Just a few days ago as I was coming out of the beach with Mark, my closest friend and business partner in New York, we ran into a family of four on bicycles. The father, a fit, good looking man in his forties lead the way. His two sons around the ages of 8 or 10 followed him. Trailing behind were the daughter, who was perhaps the eldest, and the mother, who was having a hard time trying to keep her balance. The daughter had stopped to wait for the mother who was probably in her early forties but looked a bit older given the extra weight she’d put on after having three kids. The father decided to step up the pace and yelled: “C’mon guys! Let’s go ahead and leave your mother in the dirt!” We so happened to be right next to the father as he said this and Mark and I were shocked at the gaze of contempt coming through the man’s blue eyes. What a way to educate and show appreciation for the one you love! What is this husband and father creating, I wonder?

For most men creation is a word either very familiar or completely alien. Some of us may have been exposed to creative endeavors since early age, and perhaps we were shunned at our creativity because it wasn’t a “manly” thing to do. Some of us, perhaps, may not even be aware of the power of creativity given our boring 9-to-5-jobs and “live for the weekend” mentality. Even those who venture into college may never consider studying anything creative, for word has it, the money’s not there. But there would be no Mark Zuckerberg or Yusaku Maezawa if creativity wasn’t part of the equation.

Some time ago I read that the cost of living in New York is so high because of the amount of creative people that live in this city. I think this is very much true. It also means that creativity is in everyone, regardless of our gender or sexual orientation, and it makes sense that New York is such a competitive city for most here are not obsessing about procreation (although judging by recent comments of new gay parents, I may be totally wrong). Regardless, the question is, what are we—men who like and/or love men—doing with this energy?

For the most part, we are working our asses off, or fucking, or looking for opportunities to have sex. But we are more than that. We are people with an immense amount of love, we are successful, we are fearless, we are curious, we are smart, logical, spiritual and also very human. We are compassionate, caring, giving. We are fighters and believers. We are a powerful group of men that can do great things for ourselves and for others. This I know. But what I observe is also very sad. Because a lot of us are caught in the rat race of constantly, obsessively, trying to fuck without intimacy or are trying badly to imitate that amazing fucking session we saw in a porn video somewhere. Like there’s nothing else for us to do, no room for exploring other ways of connection. Sadly, we have become slaves of our sexual energy because we are not deeply in touch with ourselves.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Fucking is great! Our sexual energy is supposed to be used to have sex! but it is also supposed to be a beautiful discovery, an exploration of love and not just a quick hit and run with whoever is ready to take it or give it.  Go explore, yes! Touch is fundamental, we need to touch and be touched to feel wanted, loved, desired. Touching lets us know our bodies better. But show love and respect for your body! How? Learning to know your body first.

Touch yourself instead of always looking for somebody to touch or touch you. And not just your cock and balls, touch your whole self. Explore your own sensuality, your own sexual energy. Your asshole is beautiful and it’s a source of incredible pleasure. Don’t be afraid, clean it thoroughly and explore without fear! one finger at a time. Use some of your free time to be with yourself instead of always going to the same bar or coming home to watch endless hours of brainless TV. And if you find somebody, try to explore love through sex. That’s when sex is at its most beautiful. Play, don’t just fuck.

Discern who you have a good sexual connection with and try to deepen your experience with them. You can talk, you can communicate without fear of attachment or commitment. The future doesn’t matter, “where you are going” is not the point. What matters is the present and the journey can be great only if you trust. The best sexual connection happens when you let go. And to let go, you have to trust. And to trust, you must open yourself to love, not fear. Using tina to let go is an answer to fear. Having your door open to anyone to come in and dump “an anonymous load” is a reaction to fear. Because you don’t care about your soul. You have become a prisoner of your lowest desire: of being used like a dumpster. This is sad and I feel sorry for those who claim as “their right” to be exploited and used as scum.

Love is within us, in each one of us, and it's there to be shared. Learn to love yourself first.

Love yourself enough to know that it’s important to be healthy because your body is you! It’s all you’ve got. And it’s the most beautiful and complex creation in the Universe! Shouldn’t you take care of it? Of YOU? If having random sexual encounters is the only thing that makes you feel alive, then you are already attached to that desire. Lama Yeshe says:

“There is nothing wrong with having pleasures and enjoyments. What is wrong is the confused way we grasp onto these pleasures, turning them from a source of happiness into a source of pain and dissatisfaction. It is such grasping and attachment that is the problem, not the pleasures themselves.” 

And there’s more. Lama Yeshe continues:

“Intoxicated by pleasurable sensations, we lose our awareness of totality and sink into a state of dull stupidity. Our mind contracts around its object (of desire) and, as we grasp it for more and more satisfaction, we become further and further removed from reality. We can almost say that under the spell of strong desire we sink into a type of unconsciousness. When we eventually wake up from this dull, dreamlike state, we find that any pleasure we might have experienced has disappeared and all that is left is the dissatisfaction we started with" (Introduction to Tantra. Pg. 25).

There is a way out of that scenario. And it starts by ME. Loving you first. Preventing it from disease, taking care of your food, exercising regularly, being mindful of what you take, what you consume physically and mentally. The key word here is moderation. Find “the middle path” so you have the chance to choose how much of what is reasonable to consume or do. We tend to overdo what gives us the most pleasure, like food, sex or T.V. Moderation allows us to enjoy what we desire without becoming addicted to them. Finding the middle path means learning to be disciplined and develop the will power to say no and postpone instant remuneration. To stop when we are going overboard and learn to do something else with that energy.

Since we probably desire sex more than watching another episode of Mad Men, practice the following: Say today you spent two hours online trying to hook up. Tomorrow just dedicate one, and one hour only to do the same, whatever the result. Try it. You’ll probably fail. But the awareness of your failure is already something. Then repeat the next day. Give yourself an hour. But by the end of the hour do the following: Use the next ten minutes to touch yourself. Jerk off if you need to release. Gradually try shortening the time you spend online looking to hook up and prolonging the time you spend touching yourself, meaning that you’ll have to start touching other parts of yourself and not just your dick or your nipples. Or if those are the areas you enjoy the most then take breaks in between. Rest and take deep breaths, don’t just masturbate. Explore your body! Discover how your skin feels. Discover how your fluids taste. If you’re a “cum whore”, you’ll discover how much fun it is to control the amount you ejaculate and enjoy it while you’re high! Stop when you’re close, take a deep breathe and rest. Then go at it again and little by little you’ll learn to control your ejaculations. Try this exercise gradually and you’ll have found the power of your own touch. This is a great discovery because it can help you rely less on others to please you. And in the meantime, you’ll have become more aware of your own body and how to control the sexual energy, the life-energy force within you.

This life-energy force is known as kundalini, or Amaru, as I call it.

Healer and author Cyndi Dale, in her book Chakra Healing defines kundalini as “an explosive energy, often used and well documented in Easter traditions, many of which see (it) as the energy of will, passion and physicality.” (pg. 27) It is usually represented as a serpent for the way that it moves up along the chakras, our energy centers located along the spine. Dale believes that this “snake energy” is “critical to achieving growth, maintaining self-awareness, and tapping into our own power.” Since kundalini is released from the first chakra, our sex center, it is no coincidence that sexual energy is so powerful as it spreads throughout our body, sometimes hindering our own growth if it’s not properly used or channeled.

Richard Gerber, MD, author of the 1998 book Vibrational Medicine: New Choices for Healing Ourselves, believes that kundalini is “the creative source of the universe.” And I agree.

So the next step is to learn how to transform our desire.

Make sure you find the chance to do something for the benefit of others, for someone you care. Use your sexual energy to seduce with your actions instead of your body. Make someone smile! Act like the god you are. 

Create the God You Are.

© Alex Amaru, 2012. (Revised and edited 01/02/19)

The Masculine & Feminine in Men

Yes, we're made of both.

Both masculine and feminine energies run through us, whether we are men or women. I would argue that a man who experiences and follows his attraction for another man has already tapped into accepting a degree of vulnerability, therefore the “feminine,” by the simple act of going “against the norm.” The most conflicting aspect of taking this step is to realize that it is okay to take the submissive role without feeling less “manly” for doing so.

On the flip side, it also means that the one who is acting as the dominant recognizes that he is engaging in a sexual encounter with another man, and that if such encounter ends in penetration, he accepts that he is penetrating another man through the anus. Some men seem to believe that because they are performing as “tops” their masculinity is not questioned. The belief continues on to suggest that only the “bottoms” are actually gay, the feminine ones. The end result tends to be that we either act as one or the other, but rarely get to explore both sides.

Regardless of personal taste (for I believe it’s only natural that some men would feel more inclined to act as dominant or submissive with another man) and in relation to energetic connection, personality traits and physical and/or psychological characteristics; it's important to recognize that men can enjoy either role, active or passive, to its fullest dimension by accepting:

1. the body that one has 

2. the fact that our bodies crave physical connection and intimacy 

3. that our sexual desire is a means of expression 

4. that such expression is sexual in nature, and 

5. that it can be transformed into a transcendental or spiritual experience, if one wishes so.

Only when sexual desire has gone through a certain degree of transformation—when our bodies experience a degree of transcendence, a feeling of the beyond— we start becoming comfortable with the idea of surrender. Everyone has issues with control, some more than others and "control of the mind," in particular, is the most difficult to penetrate. Fortunately, we have a practical way to start “beheading” it: through the release of #Amaru combined with focused breath.

Learning from the past

Practitioners of Highest Yoga Tantra, those chosen to be instructed in the teachings of Buddhist Tantra, traditionally engaged in sexual rituals and practices in order to further the veneration of the feminine, the creative force, the Universe, the Mother, the womb, the vagina. This means that the exploration of the within (the soul) is tapped into from our bodies. Walt Whitman knew this well when he described himself as “the poet of the body and the poet of the soul.”

To venerate the feminine in a man is to love him from the base of the spine.

The anus can be the most beautiful gate to the depths of the cosmos. More men need to know how to venerate a man’s ass so that the man submitting will not feel threatened by the idea.

Most of us, naturally, don’t want to be hurt when having sex. There has to be a process of learning how to become more comfortable surrendering to another man. Ideally, the man who is acting as the provider should be an experienced receiver. That way he will know how to “work up” his man, getting him to higher levels of consciousness and pleasure before any attempts of penetration take place. The last thing an average man wants is to create a feeling that his partner felt “raped.”

Just because a man is a man doesn’t mean that the asshole is any less sensitive. There has to be room for warm-up that goes beyond oral sex.

When we engage in a sexual encounter, it is wise to remember that our metaphysical bodies, not just our sexual organs, will come together. The more we learn to appreciate our physical presence, the more we will learn about how sexual energy works. The exploration of our bodies will yield to the realization that our whole body can potentially be experienced as a sexual organ, turning it into a gateway onto the vastness of our consciousness. Suddenly climax and orgasm may seem much less of a goal and the journey in itself can be highly rewarding. The problem with this approach usually is time, or a particular perception of how we spend time with another man. Too long may be too intimate too soon. Too short, chances are you won’t see that guy again. It was meant to be just a source of relief.

However, if two men are open to seeing their sexual interactions in a different way, then patience has to be a component of that dynamic. For patience to arise there has to be a level of awareness that spending time exploring the body of another man is erotic and rewarding for both, the receiver and the giver, even when the giver remains in control. To see and experience your partner surrender and rejoice as you explore his body can be one of the most exciting and sexually rewarding experiences for the dominant. Getting into the habit of expanding how we interact sexually can begin from a simple premise: getting the person surrendering to relax.

The process of surrender begins with focus on the breath, with learning to relax and trust that your partner is not going to hurt you, either physically or by passing onto you a venereal disease. This can be a difficult threshold to pass when we have trained ourselves to distrust and fear from past experiences of getting hurt or being infected with an STD. Learning to surrender and trust that sex can be loving and safe is important for all men, whether HIV positive or negative.

Few people will go right into the water when they first see the vastness of the ocean. Most of us will taste the waters first to make ourselves comfortable. Once we discover that the sand beneath us can support us, we start to enjoy the waves. Only then do we start to become more adventurous and take more risks.

If we are to engage in a sexual relation with another man, let it be also a process of exploration and comfort. By exploring our bodies we will also learn to explore our hearts. By going through patient steps of trial and error we will discover that we are only doing what feels comfortable and natural to each of us, one step a time. Exploration without fear of “where things will go from here”can be playful and fun. It’s not a matter of killing the playfulness of sex, it is about enhancing and expanding joy.

Such an exploration doesn’t have to happen with only one person exclusively. I believe monogamy is real and is great. When it occurs it should be venerated and supported. But I also believe that a lot of men establish monogamous relationships that are emotional or energetic, not sexual. It is for men in this category that my work is mainly geared to.

If we know that our sexual desire can be shared with more than one man, then why not transform that energy into compassion and love? We would only benefit from it as a group.

© Alex Amaru, 2013. (Revised and edited 01/02/19)